it’s been awhile…

March 1st! Ordering pink rabbits instead of chai lattes: the promise of spring manifesting through my coffee order.

For years, Pisces season has been a period of transition, for me. I think of Pisces and its ruling of the subconscious and intuition, and I personally have deemed Pisces as the ruler of liminal spaces. The unknown... yet behind the locked door of my intuition, it is known.

I recently quit my full time salaried office job, in reaction to whatever is behind that locked door. I began feeling physically wrong, something in my gut seemed to be telling me "something is not right here." I can't explain it in words that will accurately depict how I was feeling. A younger version of me may have longed to analyze and dissect and create change in as many ways as possible. Even a few years ago me, She may have liked to 'get to the bottom if it.'

I know that I will get what I think about, whether I want it or not. So I was deliberate in listing the positive aspects of my job and my workplace and my coworkers, and surely attracted the best of all of those things. Long story short, and I mean this in the least depressing way possible: I realized I would rather be dead than go into that office and work that job another day. I could list as many positive aspects and spend lunches bridging my beliefs about working in an office and dressing "business professional," but nothing can make you like something you don't like.

A hard(?) lesson to learn? Is it hard? I think it is actually easy, but we make it hard on ourselves-- I make it hard on myself, by balancing the beliefs of others as well. I made it hard by asking others for their advice out of a place of lack, I made it confusing by asking people I don't respect, what they think. I make it confusing by staying open to the opinions of others who live lives that are disinteresting to me. "If you don't want their life, don't take their advice."

So yeah, I listed some 'rational' reasons for leaving, because that felt like that safe thing for me in the situation at hand, the people with whom I was interacting. At the end of the day, something deep within me was begging me to leave. In honor of my own growth and my own desire to trust my intuition more, I quit without a "plan." Who's to say I need a plan anyway?

Things always work out... they just do. Even when it is hard, even when things 'don't work out,' when things don't go the way we want them to... everything is just always okay. And I can say this to myself, in the back of the café that is playing music much too loud for a café to be playing music, because I know by experience that it always works out, even when I don't feel like it is. There is nothing you need to do, you don't even need to tell yourself that things are working out. They just do.

And so... rambling on, I am here again in this liminal space (I've been here many times). I'm here in this period of transition between what was and what is soon to be. I've fallen into the trap before: the trap of despair in the liminal unknown. I've fallen into the trap of guilt and doubt of acting on my intuitive hunch -- in quitting a job, in leaving a relationship or cutting off a friend. I'm good, I'm really good, at acting on my impulses. I would consider myself sort of ruthlessly detached. I can quit a job or cut off a friend or lover, even my own father, with little hesitation. I can follow that gut instinct, I can listen and act on those whispers coming from behind the locked door of my subconscious. But the choice lingers.

It's the after with which I'm vulnerable to struggle. I've questioned if it was the right choice, if I was too harsh or irrational in telling someone to leave me alone or get out or give me my spare key back. I've questioned if it was the right choice to move across the country (on multiple occcassions), to accept a free festival ticket and go by myself. This is a pattern I want to break. From where is this guilt and self-questioning coming, anyways?

Because the thing is, every time I've acted on my intuition, it's been in my best interest. It can be years later that I am able to feel true pride and joy in going. It is years later that I can see the reasons why I felt drawn to move to the mountains, then to the desert. Years later I see why I needed to go on that retreat, why I needed to say hello to that person.

But, it is quickly clear when the going is leaving situations that are "rationally" wrong. It's easy to leave when you're leaving a drug-dealer's basement apartment. Easy to leave a relationship when it's a boyfriend with a "secret" out-of-state girlfriend, or a friend who talks poorly about you behind your back. Can be emotionally hard, but the "why" is clear there.

I'm remembering that in those so batantly wrong situations and relationships, they were always accompanied by physical reactions. Bowels turning liquid in hearing charges go off in that basement apartment. Gut-wrenching heart-break in seeing the face of a woman I loved, while she tells me of her betrayal. Sudden vomiting, headaches, thoughtlessly digging fingernails into skin, mindlessly pulling out my hair. It seems very simple to identify to what the body is reacting to, when the external factors are obvious.

But it seems my body is reacting more quickly to external factors. My body is 'speaking' in this physical expression of a language before I can see the external situation at hand. I have gotten caught up in the desire to know what is so wrong for me about a person, what is causing my stomach's liquidity at work. To continue that friendship, despite nausea. To continue a conversation, despite a headache. I have gotten caught up in staying in a yes state, despite my body telling me please, no. Out of curiosity? Perhaps of denial? I don't need to know why. It is enough to know that functioning in that manner simply did not work for me.

This time, with quitting my job, it took me about six weeks of my body telling me no, for me to listen. I don't think I know all the external factors of why it was wrong for me. And I decided that I don't need to know. I don't even think I actually want to know. I'm still learning how to trust my body's instincts with loving faith in Her wisdom.

So I took what I've been calling a leap of faith: leaving a situation that my body clearly knows is not right for me, without being able to really name all of the reasons why. Without being able to name where it is I am going, without a "plan" that would satisfy a corporate mind. This is me trusting my body, loving Her enough to listen. Trusting Her enough to leave. Trusting Her "no" enough to say "no" myself. And I plan to continue to listen.

I want to feel empowered in acting on my intuition, I want to feel proud of myself for trusting that little voice, I want to feel love for my body as I trust her wisdom and act on her whims. And when doubt creeps up, I want to remind myself that my body knows, my soul knows, and in time, I will know too. This is the first big "leap" that I've taken since learning about the Law of Attraction and the power of focusing on what I want. For I know that I get what I focus on, whether I want it or not. I know that I have the power to attract a lifestyle that is pleasing and satisfying; The power to attract work that is satisfying and really brings me joy. The support to create situations that have my body singing and humming, dancing to express Her "YES."

So, I will enjoy this period of in between. I will dial up my own eccentric nature and willingness to take risks for the sake of change itself. I will write and read and create art, I will dance and listen to my body with a desire to have faith in Her, regardless of the external factors. I will follow the thread between me and my soul. I will listen as I remind myself: my body knows.